Why Community Is Important

In American culture, we are taught hyper-independence from a young age: move out, go to college, get a job, get married, and so on. In the quest for our independence, we may feel isolated or lose our sense of community. Having moved out at 17, I was always self-sufficient, and thankfully able-bodied enough to take care of things for myself most of the time.

I had top surgery in March and knew I would be unable to do simple chores for myself in the weeks that followed—things I usually take for granted, like cooking, cleaning my apartment, making my bed, and taking out the trash. Although I was aware of this, nothing could have prepared me for being physically unable to do these tasks and the accompanying mental battle. I’m so grateful to the friends and family who stepped up to help during my recovery, solidifying for me how important community is for all of us.

I used to think that strength meant doing everything myself, being self-sufficient, and never asking for help. But all it takes is surgery, injury, or illness to help us realize we can’t do it all on our own. There’s no shame in asking for help. We need each other, and we need community. Humans aren't meant to be solitary.

photo by em beringer

The first two weeks of recovery are a blur; I was on pain medication and coming off anesthesia. My mom stayed with me to help out during the first week, which was the roughest. After that, I relied on friends to assist with daily tasks and groceries. I was blown away by how many people showed up and lent a hand during this time! I had friends driving me around, bringing homemade food, cleaning my apartment, and doing my laundry. I went to the hair studio once a week and had Arlen wash my hair because I couldn't reach above my shoulders. It was during this time, when I was physically hindered and forced to allow others to help without feeling guilt, that I truly appreciated and understood the meaning of community. It really does take a village. It’s unrealistic to expect a partner or one person to meet all our needs.

In the queer community, it’s common to have strained or non-existent relationships with our birth families. Because of this, chosen family and community become even more important. Our chosen family sees and accepts us for who we are, without expectations for us to be or act a certain way. We can take off the mask, relax, and allow ourselves to be cared for without strings attached. It turns out people want to help! My heart was filled each time a friend came to help take care of things around the apartment or stopped by to say hi. Usually, we just ended up sitting and talking, and I appreciated the socializing and connection.

As a hairstylist, I get a lot of my social interaction and conversation from my work, and I really missed that after about three to four weeks off. As I began to feel better, my mind wanted to do more, but my body said no. I was able to be out for about two to three hours, and then I had to come home and sleep. The extended fatigue was real and unexpected. I was reminded that healing takes a lot of energy—a true test of patience and listening to my body, indeed.

In closing, it’s easy to isolate and feel guilty for needing help, but community is extremely important, especially now. I’m so grateful for the community I’ve built within the hair industry and in LA over the last several years. People want to help if we allow them to, and I hope I get the opportunity to pay it forward in the future. Let's move away from hyper-independence and toward cultivating community by asking for and allowing others to help when we need it.

written by em beringer